I’m going to go ahead and ignore the fact that I’ve already failed at one of my New Year’s resolutions, and try to actually write something for a change.
Things have been really tough for me lately. I need a lot of time to myself to relax and gather my thoughts, and I like to have something of a routine, but I have been constantly on the go since October. I went to India for a week and a half, which was amazing but extremely draining, since there was nothing I could eat (no, really, I almost fainted six days in) and it was always hot. A day and a half after I got back from India, I set off on a month-long road trip that had to be turned into a three-week-long road trip because I was too completely exhausted to even be polite to the people who were hosting us every night (bonus: I didn’t get to spend Thanksgiving at home with my family!). The road trip ended in my university town, where I spent several days hobo-ing in an empty bed and trying to find a job in the area (which I could not do). Then I flew to my home town, where I spent exactly a week relaxing (as much as one can relax over Chrismas), and then we flew to Spain. A little more than a week in Spain, which was, like India, amazing, but a little short on food that I could eat. (My food troubles deserve a post on their own, which may come some day when I’m similarly desperate for material.) I flew directly from Madrid to my university town, where my dad and I loaded all my stuff into the car and started driving to my home town, where I’ll be spending my next semester (because I could find a job there). Right this moment, I’m at my aunt’s house in Tennessee, borrowing their computer.
I know I shouldn’t complain about how my life is, apparently, too awesome, except that it really is too much for me. I love to travel, but I love to travel for a week or two, and then go home. Since my family moved from the town I grew up in to my new “home town” while I was away at college, I don’t really have a place to “go home” to, but I could at least go to one place and stay there long enough to unpack my clothes, which would be nice. I have a great wardrobe, but it does not benefit from constant travel! It is getting wrinkled!
Honestly, that could be a description of my brain. Certainly it’s true of the writing part of my brain. I don’t benefit from constant travel. All my thoughts get jumbled together and I can’t just find one and make it presentable. Since I left for India, I’ve read so many books I can’t remember them all. I’ve played at least a half-dozen video games. I’ve watched movies and TV and commercials and I’ve surfed the net and I’ve read the newspapers and I’ve taken in a lot. There is so much I could write about, it just makes me angrier with myself when I sit down and I can’t come up with a single word.
Now, I am not breaking up with you. Actually, what I really want to do is get married to you. (With “you” being my blog, unless “you,” the reader, are the woman of my dreams and interested in moving to Canada, in which case, call me!) I love this blog a crazy amount, and I want to do this right. I want to commit. I want to write the long, thoughtful critiques that made me so excited when I first started, and I want to develop a community here. Because nothing makes me more satisfied than the time I spend here. I really feel like I learn so much here, I can almost see myself growing into the person I want to be. (Not to mention the fact that this place lets me voice and develop thoughts that otherwise are left silent.) When my life and this blog start conflicting, it means I have to change my life, because this blog represents everything that’s important to me.
I can’t do anything about this short-term. It’s killing me, but I can’t get to my home town any faster than I already am. Plus once I get there, I have to enroll in classes, go through job training, and find an apartment (dear god!). But let’s call this getting engaged. As soon as I have a place of my own, and as soon as the internet’s on (regardless of whether or not I have a stick of furniture!), I am blogging again. Which is really saying, I will be myself again. I am reclaiming my life, and after that internet’s on, I’m not even going to leave town for a month. Because I seem to recall that there used to be a person in here somewhere, back before I became this worn-out collection of suitcases and itineraries, and she was pretty opinionated, and she liked to talk about the things she thought were important. And I’d like to be that person again.
So I guess that’s my real New Year’s resolution. Wish me luck.