I think StumbleUpon has finally found me a sex-related joke that I don’t find offensive:
Four coworkers always golfed as a group at 7 A.M. every Sunday.
Unfortunately, one of them was transferred out of town, so they began talking about how they would fill out the foursome.
A woman standing nearby said, “Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?”
They were hesitant, but invited her to play a round, after which they would decide whether to bring her in permanently.
They all agreed and she said, “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round.
The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round.
The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, “OK, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her 7-under-par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed and they asked her to join the group for keeps.
They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”
She said, “That’s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his pecker is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed. If it’s pointing to the left, I golf left-handed.”
Another member of the group asked, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”
She replied, “Then I’ll be here at 6:45.”
I think I like it because she is totally kicking all their asses, and they appreciate her skill. Normally this is when people (i.e., men) would be whining about ambitious bitches, but no! They ask her to join their group permanently, buy her a drink, and ask her her secret– almost like she was a real person! I also like it because it involves penises, sex, and a woman competing with men, but does not rely on any sexist stereotypes that I can see. Plus there’s no awkward shaming about the fact that she has sex, as far as I can see.
Or maybe my standards have just been unreasonably lowered? I mean, this is the caliber of humor I have as a comparison:
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100… Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought, and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
Ha, ha! No sensible man would want to spend time with or even see the woman he pledged to love forever! It’s funny because it’s true!
What do you think? Have I finally found an unobjectionable sex joke, or am I being too accommodating? Have you heard any good (or terrible!) jokes lately? Share your thoughts in the comments!