Quick hit: a non-sexist sex joke?!

I think StumbleUpon has finally found me a sex-related joke that I don’t find offensive:

Four coworkers always golfed as a group at 7 A.M. every Sunday.

Unfortunately, one of them was transferred out of town, so they began talking about how they would fill out the foursome.

A woman standing nearby said, “Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?”

They were hesitant, but invited her to play a round, after which they would decide whether to bring her in permanently.

They all agreed and she said, “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round.

The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round.

The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, “OK, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her 7-under-par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

She said, “That’s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his pecker is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed. If it’s pointing to the left, I golf left-handed.”

Another member of the group asked, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

She replied, “Then I’ll be here at 6:45.”

I think I like it because she is totally kicking all their asses, and they appreciate her skill. Normally this is when people (i.e., men) would be whining about ambitious bitches, but no! They ask her to join their group permanently, buy her a drink, and ask her her secret– almost like she was a real person! I also like it because it involves penises, sex, and a woman competing with men, but does not rely on any sexist stereotypes that I can see. Plus there’s no awkward shaming about the fact that she has sex, as far as I can see.

Or maybe my standards have just been unreasonably lowered? I mean, this is the caliber of humor I have as a comparison:

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100… Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought, and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

Ha, ha! No sensible man would want to spend time with or even see the woman he pledged to love forever! It’s funny because it’s true!

What do you think? Have I finally found an unobjectionable sex joke, or am I being too accommodating? Have you heard any good (or terrible!) jokes lately? Share your thoughts in the comments!

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10 Responses to Quick hit: a non-sexist sex joke?!

  1. So, a fish walks into a bar and says, “{o}.”*

    I think you’re right about that first joke being non-offensive – I can’t find much of anything wrong with it, and there’s a lot to like about it.

    I do have a quibble with this line: “Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round.” Was she expected not to be? Is the assumption that because she’s a woman, she’s going to be a pain in the ass to deal with? I’m not sure if that was the intent – I may be reading too much into it.

    *{o} is a fish-face, if you can’t tell. The first time I heard this joke, it was in face-to-face communication, so it’s kinda hard to translate into text.

  2. Satsuma says:

    Well as an advertised “non-sexist” sex joke, the golf game was pretty damn close to being perfect.
    I agree that the “fun and pleasant” line displays a little male anxiety. Women can’t be tough or superior without having to shuffle and jive a bit, but that is being very feministly technical.

    Five stars for even spotting that flaw neima… I’m impressed.

    When I’m in all women’s groups, it’s interesting that we very rarely or almost never tell any jokes at all. Men have a great deal of social anxiety, so they have to bring up their favorite screen savers — sports and sexist jokes. Or maybe in all male groups they never tell jokes either? What say ye all?

  3. eloriane says:

    I actually noticed the “she was pleasant” bit as well, but since a lot of golf jokes revolve around some guy being an asshole, I decided to interpret it in a non-sexist way, i.e., the assumption was that because she was winning, she might not be pleasant, as opposed to having it be because of her gender. It might be gender instead or as well, but I was feeling generous. 🙂

    Also, I’m not sure about the joke-telling. I know that I don’t “tell jokes” (except for my one muffin joke) but I definitely do joke around a lot in mixed and same-sex groups. Wordplay, funny anecdotes, that kind of thing, but nothing pre-written. Does anybody really tell pre-written jokes…? I think it’s more something you email to people or post on a website, rather than try to work into conversation.

    Which makes the posting of random jokes online even more curious as gender role enforcement since it’s like saying “I’M TOTALLY A MANLY MAN I SWEAR” without even being challenged. More so when one then emails the joke out to a group of people. It seems like it would show a real insecurity.

    Oh, also, my muffin joke is this: Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin says, “Wow, it’s hot in here!” The second muffin goes, “AAUGH A TALKING MUFFIN!”

    I nearly told it at graduation when we were having technical difficulties, but I was spared.

  4. Satsuma says:

    By jokes, perhaps I should clarify — it could be memorized “lines” a la Jay Leno etc., or it could be jokey stories.

    I always wondered since my youth actually what it was about “humor” that always bored me to death. I was a serious nerdy kid, and really hated the jokes.

    It was only later in life that I realized that humor was a male invention and its purpose was to demean and make fun of some other group.

    Jokes are simply a sign of male insecurity out in the world– they can’t think of anything substantive to say, and are terrified of authenticity and intimacy, so this is how they get by.

    And really, when I’m in all women’s groups we never do humor at all. It’s something else — connection, caring, concern and I think women don’t waste each other’s time with inauthenticity.
    The radical difference between mixed gender groups (men blab and tell jokes, women get stuck enduring and listening), all male groups (sports, sex, porn), and all women’s groups — too wide a variety of topics to list here is very striking.

    Just my observation of the last 50 some years.

  5. Eng says:

    Oddly, I haven’t been in too many all-male groups, but I will say that in the groups I’ve been in, there has been pretty much zero talk of sex/porn, and only incidental talk of sports, really. While I’d agree with you that men generally find intimacy more difficult than women, I wouldn’t say it doesn’t happen – just that bonding happens in a different way (jokes, shared experiences rather than conversations, etc) and emotion is expressed more subtly and less frequently. Personally, I prefer intimacy with a few close friends, but it takes time for me to develop that trust, and I’m fine with that. That could be just me, though.

    As for mixed-gender groups, within my range of experience the women do about as much talking as the men. Again, though, I respect your experience, and as a college student my experiences are probably very different from yours.

    I’m really glad that you have all-women’s groups which allow for intimacy and authenticity. Maybe other women can help me with this – is that sort of closeness the exception or the norm? Practically by definition, I don’t know what goes on in all-female groups. I’d be interested to see if it’s a common experiences that all-female groups tend to have more meaningful conversations and such than groups with men in them.

    • Crowfoot says:

      I’m also the kind of person that only has a few really close friends. I used to not be able to open up to people for some time, but as I’ve gotten older I tend more to just wear my heart on my sleeve and be honest about everything. While I’m certainly far from perfect there’s not too much I’m ashamed of so I lean towards “meh, take me as I am!” However, I do tend to hold back on my feminism to some degree as I also fear confrontation (my coworkers would be shocked, no doubt, but they don’t know how much I do hold back!). So maybe you and I have similar experiences in groups, Eng – I just don’t hang out with people I don’t trust enough to not talk about more personal stuff.

      So with that in mind, my experiences in all-female groups is that the closeness is the norm rather than the exception. This might be in part because of my tendency to start opening up – others may be more likely to respond in kind. However, I do know of at least two women who have generally preferred the company of men. This might be because of who they’ve been introduced to! Maybe the women they keep hanging out with, either due to work or family, are just not very authentic/intimate types? Back to my own experiences: I’m not sure if the co-ed groups I’ve been in have less meaningful conversations that with the all-female groups. It may be similar. Maybe less intimate. However, I do notice that there are a lot of things that women just won’t talk about with men around. Living in a patriarchy, this is not surprising. I’ve also noticed that generally the co-ed groups have men and women talking each talking as much, tho maybe with the women talking a bit less… depending on the number of men in the group. Men do have the tendency to take over conversations. Y’all are so used to being allowed to be loud, heard, and take up space! I think women tend to pull back a bit unconsciously.

      I also agree that men in general find intimacy and showing emotions more difficult than women, I also think that men, when they can do it, do it more with the women they’re with, rather than their male friends. Based on the things men have said to me, I don’t think they feel safe enough to open up to other men, much of the time. Men seem to police each other WRT masculinity much more so than women. I think that one of the things you’ll not see, Satsuma, having been a lesbian forever, is how much men will open up to the women they’re dating whilst still keeping that macho facade to the rest of the world.

      There’s so much more to say and I have to back to work!

  6. Satsuma says:

    Crowfoot (love that name BTW) and Eng, thank you for your thoughtful posts. It’s really fascinating to read about the vast variety of social relationships, and how people actually live daily life.

    I really do hope college is better for women today than it was in the 70s. I do notice that men in their 20s are much more civil and conversant in the work place. And occasionally, they’ll even SHOCK, actually notice something and reach out.
    One example of this was the day after Proposition 8 passed in California (the anti-lesbian-gay marriage initiative). I’m completely out of the closet in my ultra conservative male dominated little fortune 500 corporation, so my personality is radically different from the shut down men who share space there. But this one young man age 28 emailed me about how he voted against this awful Prop 8 and that he felt “bumed.”

    It is hard to say. I’ve made a very successful career despite the sexism, and have a powerful persona, so perhaps these young men just defer because of my age and success. They seem to admire my lack of fear of the bosses, and I can usually help them get more business, because I am simply more competant than the majority of men I work with. Remember, us over 50 type lesbian feminists had to work very hard for decades, and it paid off. Now very few men my age are as well educated, good at public speaking or knowledgable about client service. They didn’t have to do the heavy lifting to get there, it was given to them easily, and now they are suffering because they aren’t as smart or as good, but again, it patriarchy men never see women as equals, and they tune out this quality in women. If you make money, men get excited and listen to women now and then, but usually never from age 50 on up.

    I’m in a lot of business type groups, and it’s night and day depending on whether men are in the groups or not. Women are very warm and open, and accepting and engaging. Men always seem stuck with some social mask and actually seem quite fearful a lot of the time — both of me ( I don’t shuffle and jive or paste a fake smile on my face), a very butch aggressive in your face type of woman and with the other men whom they also seem to fear or be in competition with. It’s why men are always fighting wars or creating violent social situations that endanger all our lives.

    I have heard that men will confide in their wives, but act like total jerks in general public situations.
    I don’t think the wives of my colleagues often know how dreadful their husbands are to work with, or how awful they are in meetings. They seem not to know.

    Maybe to out lesbians of the radical feminist era, all men seem like social idiots beyond redemption; it’s just how men in groups appear to us, and it’s also based on how dreadful sounding the sexism, demeaning jokes and domineering assumptions they carry with them in public. I don’t think most men even realize how offensive they truly are to women, or they don’t care at all, which I suspect most of the time.

    There have been scientific studies of how women read human faces much better than men, so they don’t see these details perhaps.

    It’s why I was so happy as more and more women opened their own businesses and became successful. They all had stories of enduring years of awful male corporations and then were liberated to create the work places they had always wanted. All of these types of women are now my clients, and I do hope that someday, 98% of my business comes from women.

    After seeing how men treated Hillary Clinton in the media compared to their adoring easy coverage of Barak Obama, I’m not holding my breath that any “change” is truly coming soon.

    Or maybe my worldview is just hardened, since I don’t see much evidense of male sophistication vis-a-vis the position of women. We still have to bring in the police, sue for millions of dollars, and get paid less for everything. I see no passionate anger coming from men about the attrocity of pornography, rape or abuse of women. No outrage, no Loud angry public speeches, not much of anything. Even Obama looked bored as he read his teleprompter and “recited’ the laundry list of women’s rights to a women’s group– probably after Hillary Clinton beat him in a primary. Clearly, he seems not to care at all. His face an expressionless straight male mask, but again, that’s how he looks and sounds to me.

    Others get all excited at this “hope” messenger, but to me more male leadership is not hopeful, it is more of the same.

    This is too long a post. All said, I prefer all women’s groups to mixed groups, because I want women to have as much “talk” and “aire” time as possible. Women in the groups I belong to don’t joke around, and are endlessly interesting. They can see your face, and understand your emotions and actually truly care. In a business setting, I don’t think men actually know what the word “caring” means, and again its the sexist 50 and over group that is really really bad — the boys who fought feminism tooth and nail, and now are angry that their wives divorced them, or that lesbians are out in the world and better at the job than they are. Who knows?

  7. socksy says:

    I’m not sure the second joke does count as sexist, on the basis that jibes at spouses is a common feature of such jokes, and would work with the genders round the other way too.

    Though, it’s quite depressing that it seems to be a society norm that husbands and wives should hate each other.

    • eloriane says:

      Yeah, but they didn’t tell the joke with the genders reversed. And they never do.

      I see plenty of “ha ha, married people hate each other jokes”– but when it’s a woman hating a man, she insults his sexual prowess, or maybe just jokes about how little respect he shows her. She wants him, he doesn’t want her. Whereas the men-hating-their-wives jokes tend to be along the lines of “Please, take my wife!” or similar insults about her shrewish nagging or stupidity. I.e., she wants him, he doesn’t want her.

      So whoever’s doing the hating, it never really turns out well for women.

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