Hey, remember the last time I went shopping and stocked up on candy? Well, here’s what it looks like this time!
I was buying my candy one dinky chocolate bar at the time and I noticed that I was constantly feeling like I didn’t have enough, so I finally bit the bullet and just bought everything that I thought I might want in the next month. (I only put the sweets in the picture, though. Well, and the nuts.) And, yup, I felt weirdly terrified this time, too!
What was oddest, though, was that I was mostly terrified by the other people at the store. I wanted to tell everyone, “I’m not going to eat it all at once!!”
I actually put my bag of Riesen back, at one point, because I thought, “No, it’s too much, how could I look the cashier in the eyes?” Then I said “fuck that!” and that is why I now have two bags of Riesen. I love those things!
I have some serious cashier angst, though. It’s a prolonged interaction, during which they have to handle each item of candy individually. I never know what to say, because I refuse to engage in body-shaming or food-demonizing talk, but, well, that’s “small talk”! I think I’ve figured out what to say, though.
Tonight, the cashier opened with the generic “how are you?” and I said “about to be a lot better, as you can see!” but she didn’t quite catch my meaning, so I explained, “I’ve been so stressed out lately because I’ve been out of sweets. I always feel better if I have a huge stash, because then it doesn’t matter if I eat them or not, I have them if I want them.”
And then, miraculously, she smiled and nodded! Not just politely, but as if she knew what I was talking about! And we had a quite pleasant conversation about how impossible it is to resist the foods that you were never allowed to have, especially if you have brothers (or, in her case, roommates) who might eat them if you’re not fast enough, and how unpleasant it is to eat something just because it’s there and you don’t want to miss the chance, and how comforting it is, and how freeing, to just buy yourself the damn sweets.
It was fantastic! I’d never really said such anti-diet stuff out loud, before, with people, like, actually there. (Yeah, yeah, I’m a brazen old harpy online, but I’m surprisingly meek in person!) And I definitely think I can do a least a short “small talk” versions for future restockings, which lets me acknowledge my great booty (which really feels necessary) without implying that I shouldn’t buy myself all the candy I want.
I haven’t felt conflicted on my own behalf for a long while but that whole interacting-with-other-people thing was really throwing me off. Glad to have a solution.
Now if I could stop feeling so proud of myself for looking at all that candy, and having some blueberry-pomegranate juice instead. I mean, I wanted the juice more than the chocolate, but the point isn’t that I decriminalize foods, so then I don’t eat them, so then I Lose Weight Fast! The point is that I decriminalize foods, and then I eat what I want, including the “bad” foods, and then I’m happy. My weight is irrelevant.
This juice is damn good, though.