I tuned into a local station on the radio today, because they usually play Led Zeppelin every morning at nine, and the hosts were celebrating National Cleavage Day by offering prizes to listeners if they sent in photos of their cleavage.
Well, I’m not a hundred percent certain that I’ve grasped the details of the contest, or which of my two favourite stations it was, or else they’d be getting some pretty damn angry letters. But here’s what my morning was like:
I tuned in, and they had a woman on the phone, and they were asking her about her appearance; they asked if she wore “mom jeans” and then berated her, “your jeans button isn’t supposed to be above your belly button, Soo-see!” (They were also mocking her for saying her name, Suzy, with an S sound instead of a Z). I was ready to change stations already; she was clearly uncomfortable, laughing but not speaking, and their tone was not friendly. Then they asked her what her cleavage was like, and when she laughed nervously and didn’t answer, they said, “oh, but you have body issues, don’t you, all women have body issues.” They heckled her a little more about her breasts and I changed stations in disgust.
All my other favourite stations were on commercial, so I tried switching back. “Just take a camera, point it towards your knees” — vicious laughter, and a moan from the female caller — “and take a picture of your cleavage, and we’ll send you–” and here I turned the radio off completely. I kind of wish I’d listen to the whole thing, so I’d know what they were offering in return for these vaguely-coerced cleave photos, but, well, I’d just woken up. I usually liked that station. I couldn’t take it. Whatever it was, it was probably the same as the assorted prizes they’ve been giving out all week to whoever called in seventh after a certain song. Only today, you are also supposed to send them pictures of your breasts.
I can’t wait until the NPR fundraising drive ends and they start playing classical music again; I need at least one radio station to listen to that won’t offend me.